I tend to feel good on the weekends because good things happen on the weekends and most people are “unemployed” for those two days, so I feel less like an outcast and less burdened by shame. Today, however, I am feeling sorry for myself. Unjustifiably, of course, but so it is. I feel like a useless failure. Whether I am one or not is irrelevant. It’s just how I feel. I feel like I’ve fallen so far behind everyone else in the world that I’m never going to catch up. I feel like everything in my head that I have to offer is starting to atrophy and when/if I ever get a chance to offer it, I won’t be able to anymore because it will be gone; my skills, my enthusiasm, everything. I can already feel it happening. I am defeated before the week is even properly underway. My eyeballs are swimming and there’s a toad in my throat and I just opened up a new box of Sainsbury’s express porridge and it’s nothing like the old box. It’s like grainy, lumpy glue and I’m sad.
I’ll get back into the whole forced optimism thing tomorrow.