I had my final appointment with the dermatologist today. I have four days’ worth of Roaccutane left to take, and then it’s over, hopefully for good this time. Today is the first day since I started my job in February that I’ve showed up at work without any make-up on. My skin isn’t perfect yet, but it feels great! All the imperfections are just faded marks. There are no real spots anywhere and the texture of my skin is so fine and silky all over that I keep stroking my own cheeks like a cat cleaning itself (without the licking part…) ^_^ My face is a bit red in places, as if it’s been recently scrubbed, but this should be gone in a few months. The side effects of being on this drug are really, really horrible, but for me, it’s been worth it.
This year, I’ve been trying to educate myself about human issues by reading and watching and following a huge amount of interesting stuff, predominantly online, but offline too. One of the things I’ve started to understand is the influence that the world at large has over individuals that results in them feeling imperfect or inadequate when they really shouldn’t. It’s something we’re all aware of to some extent, but I never fully acknowledged its impact on my own life until recently. Of course in my case, the impact is largely self-induced and it’s nothing compared to what others have to put up with. I’m a relatively thin, average-looking person with nothing in particular that singles me out or makes me a target for abuse or judgement from assholes. I’ve just always been unnecessarily self-conscious, and I’ve often felt unhappy about how I look. Feeling like this is, for me, an embarrassing waste of time and potential happiness, and it has to stop. I’m lucky in that I’ve been able to sort out the comfort-, confidence- and self-esteem-killing skin problems with Roaccutane, but bad skin has only ever been one of my ridiculous insecurities. I’m moving forward. I’m going to try a more body-positive approach to life and embrace and appreciate everything about myself, because I’m a fortunate person, and how I feel and act should reflect that. Sometimes I feel bad that I ever felt sorry for myself about anything. Today is one of those days.