TODAY I AM FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. I am here to wallow in self-pity. Actually, not quite. Just sort of. My life right now is frustratingly split between being AWESOME and being kinda shit. The awesomeness dominates, which is good. I’ve reached a point in my existence in which I’m really comfortable with who I am, I’m excited about the future and (cheese alert) I’m completely, ridiculously happy in my relationship with Luc. But… my stupid BODY doesn’t feel the need to co-operate with all of this.
I’ve always struggled with headaches, but this year it’s become a bit ridiculous. I have headaches on more days than I don’t and sometimes I have a headache that lasts for several days at a time. It’s not always the same intensity of headache and it doesn’t always have the same effect on me, but overall, it’s starting to kick a bit of a dent in the awesomeness of everything else. And it’s not just headaches, though they are the main problem. I’m generally run down with that feeling you normally get for a day or two before a major flu hits… except I’ve had that feeling for more than six months. Slightly blocked nose with sniffles and the odd cough, irritated throat, achey muscles, burny eyes… I almost wish I could just get a full on bout of the flu so that I could get better, but it never comes. It’s like waiting to sneeze. I’m tired almost all the time too. I’ve developed the ability to fall asleep in front of my computer with my hands on the keyboard. I’m just waiting for the time when I learn to fall asleep while walking, talking on the phone, peeing… Now and then (last night being a good example) some completely random physical complaint arrives and freaks the absolute shit out of me. Last night it was a crazy cramp that felt kind of like bad period pain, except it’s not my period and the pain extended down my right thigh. Umm…? It was so sore for a while, that I started crying and Luc was reluctant to go to sleep in case I needed an ambulance. xD I didn’t and I woke up this morning feeling fine. (By “fine” I mean “run down, tired and coming down the flu that never actually comes. Oh and I have a headache.”)
For a few months now, I’ve been taking a fat handful of assorted vitamins and minerals and things every day. So far, it hasn’t helped. I’m trying to be more active, eat better, drink more water etc… Not helping either. It’s frustrating, because things are so great otherwise. I just wish I had the energy to enjoy myself and be productive and finish my goddamn masters degree. My brain is saying WRITE! DANCE! FROLIC! but my body says TAKE PILLS. SLEEP. SLEEEeeeeeep… Sometimes I get it together to be energetic and productive, but lately that requires a rather disturbing amount of excedrin. (The doctor checked out my pain-killer of choice and approved it because it doesn’t have codeine in it. So at least I’m doing something right.)
As a last resort, I decided to go off the contraceptive pill for the first time in around 8 years, as headaches are a well-known and common side-effect of being on the pill. I originally went on it for my skin and then just never stopped taking it. A couple of days after ditching the pill, I heard that the pill I’d been on for all that time (yasmin & yaz) is now under major scrutiny because not all the side-effects were properly disclosed and it’s being associated with blood clotting and shit. Freaks me out. I hope this has nothing to do with what’s going on with my body. Or maybe it would be good it if has EVERYTHING to do with what’s going on and that now that I’m pill-free, it will all magically fix itself after a while. Fat chance though. 😛
Anyway. I don’t know what the point of this post is. I just felt like moaning, I guess. And apologising for my sometimes lackluster presence both online and offline. Luc and I are moving to our new flat some time in January, and perhaps that will turn things around somehow. Maybe there’s asbestos in the ceiling here. I don’t know. Anyway.